Karimah Bint Abdul Aziz
God of my understanding, but all the maps I was given to aid me in my quest were flawed, or
inaccurate, or just plain deceptive. For a time I gave up. I still believed that there was a God, but I thought that He didn't believe in me.
Eventually, active addiction brought me to the place where I had to make a crucial decision; to die or to ask for help and thereby choose life. I chose life, although at that point I was unsure of what that really meant. I entered a rehab program, then moved to a halfway house and completed an aftercare program. I got a sponsor and we began intensive step work.
Step One: “Admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable”. That one was quite easy. The realization of my powerlessness over alcohol was what led to my life versus death decision. Somewhere along the line, I lost the control and the drinks began to control me. The resulting unmanageability was clearly evident to everyone, and finally even to me.
Step Two: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”. Working on this Step was extraordinarily painful. You have to face the insanity of your life in order to recognize your need for a restoration of sanity. To face myself, without self-medication, was the emotional equivalent of an appendectomy without anesthesia. I clung closely to my sponsor during this time because she was the Power greater than myself.
Time passed, and I completed my foray into the minefield of my past. Amazingly I experienced a new-found sense of freedom and of hope. I could dimly discern the outlines of a positive future, of a real life. It was time to move on to Step Three: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him”. Uh oh, here comes trouble! I didn't understand God at all, and I was pretty convinced that He didn't understand me either. I recognized my sponsor's power because I saw it working in my life on a daily basis. God, however, was a different story. I was operating with a borrowed God, but I was fairly certain that was not what Step Three meant.
I had moved out of the halfway house and into transitional housing. I made friends with another resident, and one evening he came to a meeting that I was chairing. Afterwards, we went out for coffee. He told me that he was a Muslim, “but not a 9/11 Muslim”. (This was October 2001, so he was understandably a bit paranoid.) He was very dedicated to his faith, and talked a lot about it. I found what he said interesting, but I had learned from past experience not to accept what people told me at face value. So I decided to investigate for myself. In particular, I wanted to clarify the disparities between what he was saying and what the media was saying. I began my quest at the Public Library. I asked the librarian for assistance. Once she understood my search, she told me that I wouldn't find what I needed there. She advised me that I would be able to find an abundance of information at the Hartford Seminary, as they specialized in religious issues.
When I returned to the house, I asked one of the counselors about the Hartford Seminary. He told me that the Duncan Black Macdonald Center for the Study of Islam and Christian/Muslim Relations was located there, and had the oldest Christian/Muslim relations program in the US. He also told me that they had an extensive library which included a wealth of information about Islam. That was exactly what I needed. He gave me travel directions, and I went there the next day.
For the next week, I spent time almost every day at the Seminary. I read and read, and I purchased a number of books for my personal library, including my first copy of the Holy Qur'an. It didn't take me long to recognize that my lifelong quest was over. I had found what I sought for so long. I had a God of my understanding.
Once I had a clear understanding of Islam I was totally enthralled. I fell completely in love. What I loved most was having a one on one relationship with Allah. That was something that I had always craved and no one had ever been able to explain to me why this wasn't possible. But now I knew that it was.
I made my declaration of faith (shahada) on the first day of Ramadan that year: November 18, 2001. I have never once regretted that decision. On that day, I turned my will and my life over to the care of Allah, the God of my understanding. He has kept me clean and sober, even removing the desire to use from me. I have developed a strong sense of honor and integrity. I respect and love myself and am aware of my self-worth. I have self-confidence. I returned to school recently, to study Human Services. I currently have a cumulative GPA of 3.97. I know that all these things are gifts and blessings from my God, and I have a heart overflowing with gratitude. The life that I had been given brief tantalizing glimpses of early in recovery is clear and focused today. I am living it! The Twelve Steps and the religion of al-Islam form a protective barrier around my soul, keeping me safe from harm and affording me the freedom to continue to grow and change and flourish. I have received a wondrous healing; physical, mental, and spiritual. It is now my goal, no it is my duty to pass on others what was so freely given to me. Today my life has meaning and purpose. I am free to be me; I am proud to be me. Being me has become a beautiful experience.
This is my conversion story. Alhamdulillah, I have just celebrated nine years of sobriety-a miracle that could only have been made possible by the grace and mercy of Allah (SWA).
Ma salaam, Karimah
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